Monday, January 14, 2008

Inner invalidation

If someone had tried to tell me when I was an undergraduate (or in grad school for that matter) that my career would go in the direction it has, I would never have believed it. I would never have believed I'd get sick of teaching (...although I think a lot of other people could probably see daily interaction with students grating on my nerves in the long run). I thought I'd found a home in publishing. But, after less than two years at my current place of employment, I'm on to something new.

In a little under two weeks, I'll be starting a new position as an Instructional Designer for an up and coming local company. It's a move into a position that will do more than provide the basic necessities of life. Hopefully, it'll help me thrive professionally, financially, and creatively. All of my work experience has led me to this point...where I'll end up from here is anybody's guess. But, it feels good that as I near 30, I've finally made something of myself...or made myself proud, I guess I should say.

However, is it possible to have good self-confidence and still be insecure? That's how I'm feeling right now. Just a little bit intimidated. That's unusual for me. I like to be the one doing the intimidating. I usually feel as professional and corporate as anyone walking around Westport. Then, yesterday, I went to pick up my new-hire packet at my new place of business. Wow! It makes my current office building look like a pile of bricks. The people I saw walking around were far more dressed up than I get for work now. The first thing I thought was, oh my god, I've got to go shopping (a prospect, I'll admit, that doesn't sound half bad). It's like the first day at a new school, and I just hope I fit in, that I'm carrying the right briefcase, that someone will eat lunch with me.

I'm also generally pretty secure in my abilities (Let's be honest, what English major do you know that doesn't secretly think he/she is god's gift to the written word??). I put a ton of work into the writing test project and writing samples I had to provide for this position. I felt like they were top-notch, and apparently the managers hiring thought so too. But, there's so much of the position that's going to be a stretch for my talents. Which is what I wanted. Challenge was what was missing at my current job. However, I found myself lying awake last night wondering if I'll be able to cut it. This isn't the kind of place where they will tolerate less than outstanding results. That's what they are paying me for. It's been a long time since I've felt any sort of real pressure to succeed. I want this job to be everything I hope it will be. I want to love this job in a way I've never loved any other. I know that in reality, there will be amazing things about the job and things I hate, people I enjoy working with and those I hate, pluses, minuses.

But I don't want to think about that yet. Until reality sets in, I'm just excited and super nervous.

Wish me luck.

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