Holiday How-To Plan

I can handle my immediate family just fine. In fact, most of the time, I even look forward to seeing them (especially my favorite sister *wink*). Most of my cousins are pretty okay too. It's the nosy older members of my extended family that make me want a handful of Valium with my turkey dinner.

Ever wish you could send ahead a list of topics you prefer not to discuss at your family holiday gatherings, the way celebrities do before they go on a talk show? I think it would make the whole episode a lot more tolerable. That, and including wine with dinner like every other freakin' family on the planet (I mean, seriously, we might like each other a lot more after a glass or two).
Here's my list:

1. Don't ask me about my job. I've repeatedly explained to everyone what it is I do as an editor, and assuming they can even remember that I'm no longer a teacher, they seem to think I spend 8 hours a day proof-reading. No amount of explaining can make it clear, so let's just say I'm gainfully employed and leave it at that.

2. Do NOT ask me about my relationship. I used to be annoyed when they would ask if I was "seeing anyone special," but that was easy enough to nix with a sarcastic, "I'm seeing all kinds of unspecial guys. Tons actually." Now that they have an actual person about whom to interrogate me, I feel it could be worse. So, don't ask how it's going. Don't ask if we are getting married. And, definitely don't ask when I'm planning to finally be barefoot and pregnant like a good little woman. Wait for a Save-the-Date like everyone else.

3. Zero, and I mean ZERO questions or sarcastic comments about my decision to stop being a strict vegetarian. I don't analyze what's on your plate; don't bug me about what's on mine.

4. Let's agree ahead of time that we will definitely disagree and avoid all topics having to do with religion or politics. And while we are at it, let's avoid any issues of social justice, racism, feminism, or just about any -ism. The fine weather and perhaps the score of the football game will suffice. In fact, I'll probably just make sure my mouth is full the entire time precluding the need for conversation.

5. Let's be honest, I'm in this for the pie and, in this case, birthday cards filled with money. Give me those things, and I'll be on my way.

Happy Thanksgiving!