Big bug in a little apartment

Ordinarily, I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. I've grown accustomed to living alone. Most of the time I love coming home to the sweet silence of my own home. I can change a tire, I own a small tool set now, I've even managed to rearrange my house with just myself to do the heavy lifting. But there's one thing I just can't handle.

I came home last night, talking on the phone. I threw myself on the bed in exhaustion. I looked up at the wall above my head. "Holy shit, what is that?" I said out loud, into the phone. "That" was a ginormous bug. I thought bugs this big only lived in remote South American jungles. This is not true; they apparently live not only in St. Louis but in my apartment specifically.

My greatest fear is not cancer or dying alone, it's swallowing a bug in my sleep. The fact that this little alien was in my bedroom made the sighting that much worse. My brother, whom I was talking to at the time, suggested the tried and true paper towel squish. I was already hyperventilating just a little, and all I knew was I was NOT going to get within arms length of this thing. I contemplated the extension arm of the vacuum cleaner, but even that put my hand a little close to the offending insect. Besides, this thing was so giant, I wasn't sure the vacuum could suck it up. Finally I opted for the super powered bug spray I keep on hand (just in case) the way other women keep mace. I spread a beach towel over the bed to catch the bug if it fell; I stood about three feet back and let her rip.

As soon as the blast of pleasantly clover-scented poison hit the bugger (pun-intended), it bounded off the wall (yes, I'm quite certain bounding was involved) onto the waiting beach towel and scuttled off the towel and behind the bed. I was too busy shrieking at the top of my lungs over the way it had projected off the wall to stop it from getting away.

By this time, my heart was pounding, I was sweating just a little from all the adrenaline. This could be a fight for survival. First things first, I stopped and put on tennis shoes. I was going to have to move the bed out in search of this thing, and if it were to scurry across my pink polished toes, I was certain my heart would have exploded. Behind the bed, I found a lot of dust, a cat toy, a headband I've been looking for for the last six months, and an M&Ms wrapper, which is weird because I don't eat M&Ms. But no dog-sized bug. I removed all the blankets and pillows and shook them out and put them in the "safe zone" in the hallway. I reached to pull up the corner of the mattress, and I saw the monstrosity making a run for it from between the mattress and boxsprings.

Now it was war. I moved the matress to the other side of the room and stood it up against the wall. Then I cautiously tipped up the box springs, spray can in hand. Nothing. It was gone. But where? I needed some moral support, so I dialed J. I knew of all people she would sympathize with my mental breakdown over a bug. She did. She instructed me to lie in wait with boots made for squishing. So I did. Nothing.

Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that my bad ass cat is apparently useless and somewhere out there, this giant bug has either crawled away to die or plot revenge. Either way, I've never wanted a boyfriend or a roommate or anyone at all who is braver than me to be around. Humbling moment. Talk about a damsel in distress. Ha.

I slept on a bed of folded up comforters on the living room floor last night. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep in that bed again...I may have to move.