Wednesday, April 25, 2007

No Wonder Woman

I'm a busy girl. I work two jobs. I spend time with my friends. I work out. I take care of all those little tasks that go into living an orderly, hygienic, well-fed existence. Sometimes there's not a lot of free time left over. Although I've never been one to begrudge myself some lazy alone time (America's Next Top Model, hello!), I usually feel like I'm not doing as much as I should be or that I'm letting someone down.

Last night I left job 2 a little early to attend the Leukemia Society's Team in Training meeting. What an amazing organization! My bleeding heart for a good cause was leaking in full force. One of the speakers was a 2-time leukemia survivor who has now run both a half and full marathon with the program. I mean, if someone can endure chemo and make it that far, surely I could motivate a little more. But as the specifics of the program unfolded, I realized, it's a huge time commitment. And, I don't like making commitments that I can already see myself slacking on or breaking. There were mandatory weekend practice runs with the team, team activities, and endless fundraising responsibilities. I stared at the application, at the check box for the Dublin team and tried to imagine how I could fit a new activity in and what I would have to cut out to make it happen.

I haven't gotten where I am today by living within limits. I am who I am because I've pushed myself beyond what seemed easiest. But sometimes maybe the limits are there for a reason. There has to be a compromise between knowing one's limits and pushing the envelope. If I never test the limits of my abilities, I'll never know what I can do. At the same time, if I push until I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, what good is that?

Priorities. I need to figure out what they are. Those are the areas I'm going to push, and the rest will just have to wait, no matter how amazing the opportunity. I can't make the most of absolutely everything that comes my way or nothing is going to get my best effort.

My first priority right now is my career. When I switched from academics, I made the commitment to make this transition successful. So, I'm applying for a management position in my company. Even though I've only been here a year. Even though I have no idea what the odds of achieving this goal are. The outcome couldn't be more up in the air, and honestly, I'm terrified. Whether it's fear of failure or fear of success, I'm not sure. But I'm doing it and working my ass off to make sure they realize I can totally do the job.

My second commitment is (per yesterday's blog) my friends and family. I'm committed to taking time to sustain the relationships that sustain me.

My third priority is my own health. I've said it before, but I want back the body I once had. Sadly, that body cannot be achieved by lying on the couch like it once was. Curves are fine, but I want them as tight as possible. Cardio, hard, heart-pounding cardio is the only answer (or lipo, haha). I do want to be a better runner and plan on finding a 10K to run in the near future. Basically, I want to be proud of the body I see in the mirror instead of tolerant or outright disgusted. I need my groove back.

All of the other things can fall in line after those. I'd like to expand my social activities, find more creative outlets, get envolved with one of the causes I feel passionately about. And, those can have the pieces of time left over. Priorities are made to be reshuffled from time to time, so perhaps in a few months I'll feel ready to move something else to the front of the line.

But the guilt remains. Can we ever do enough to make the world a better place? Can we ever spend enough time with the people we love?


  1. i think your answer is: spend more time with bekah.

    1) you love me
    2) i may have leukemia
    3) i'm so darn cute
    4) i'm a fiesty one, so you'll have to run to keep up with me
    5) i'm so darn cute

  2. Haha, you're right...all my life's questions are solved!

  3. Ang,
    my sister-in-law is struggling with the same issue. She is also a runner and an accountant, ex-chef. She is thinking of joining the military to make the world a better place. No, I don't think that is the answer for you, but maybe you could look into volunteering at a Children's Hospital a day a week. Just try it and see what happens. You will make a huge difference in the life of at least one child. Read to them, play a game with them, just be there for them. . . you can do it.