Something to look forward to?

I might be a tiny bit shallow. Or ageist. Or both.

I've never looked forward to aging, but I thought when the time came, I would do it with grace, naturally. Then again, maybe not.

I was in the locker room at the gym last night. Giving myself a mental pep talk for my impending workout, I turned from locker and got an eye full. I'm not one to try to put on a sports bra under my t-shirt in the locker room, but this woman was walking from the showers to her locker butt freakin' naked. She was old, and by old I don't mean 45, I mean like, old-old. And if that's what's waiting for me, I don't want any part of it.

We all know that gravity eventually gets the best of even the perkiest boobs. But the eye full I got was from behind, of a flat, saggy ass. I had no idea that the ass eventually deflates like a week-old mylar balloon. It made me sad. It made me cringe a little.

Then I felt guilty. What kind of feminist am I If I don't embrace the the beauty of real women, not just the manufacturered Hollywood version? I'm not saying that older women can't be attractive...with clothes on. And kudos to this woman for being at the gym, trying to stay healthy. But as I was pounding away on the treadmill, I couldn't help but wonder for what. Yes, I want to have a healthy heart, and low blood pressure, and strong bones and all that. But, I'll be honest (and here's where it gets shallow), I workout primarily because I aspire to look good. And if it's all going to go to hell despite my best efforts, what's the point???

Will there come a day when I don't want to look at my own body in the mirror? Will there come a day when I don't recognize myself anymore? On the other hand, do I want to spend decade after decade lifting, smoothing, and plumping in the quest to maintain? Would I be any less of an empowered woman if I did? Is it internalized expectations of feminine beauty or my own desire to be the best I can be (for me)?

I have no good answers and luckily quite a few more years to get a handle on it all. But I do wonder how other women feel about their bodies and aging. Talk to me...