An Open Letter to the Universe

**I wrote this a couple of months ago and still amused by it after the fact, I thought I'd post for our mutual enjoyment**

I read somewhere that putting what you want into words has a mystical power, that putting desires into the universe sometimes makes them materialize. I think this is probably more a case of finding what you want because you have articulated to yourself what you are looking for. Nonetheless, here's my wish list (laundry list, perhaps) for the great universal Build-a-BF.

Dear Universe,

I've been a very good girl this year. Ummm, actually no I haven't, but that's another story. How about giving me the goods anyway without all the strings attached, huh? Okay?

Alright, here's what I do not want: I'm tired of half-ass guys. I don't want to go on any more lousy dates with people I don't have anything in common with. I don't want any more guys who like me just enough for drunken making out but not enough for an actual date. I don't want to meet any more men who lack balls. And since you have such a funny sense of humor, I also don't want any more guys who should theoretically be a good match but with whom I have no chemistry. Got it?

Here's what I do want: I want confidence! No neediness. No petty jealousy. No clinging. No uncertainty. I want someone who takes chances. I want someone with the self-esteem to go for it instead of analyzing everything to death (I can do that enough for both of us promise). While I do enjoy being adored, I want someone who can deal with my intense need for personal space and who isn't bothered that some weekend nights will be non-negotiable girls' only nights.

All of that said, back to the adoration…I'm no diva (well, okay, maybe a little bit of one), but I need some motherfucking romance in my life. Send/bring a girl some flowers. A cute text, email, a handwritten note even (gasp). Seriously, I'm a sucker for that shit. Tell me my outfit is cool. Tell me I'm brilliant. Tell me I have a hot ass (make sure I indeed like you, otherwise that one might get you in trouble). Remember little facts about me and incorporate them, that way I think you were actually listening to me when I was talking. These things are not hard, they do not cost money (I have no ethical issues with accepting flowers stolen from your neighbor's flowerbed); what they do require is a little genuine interest. Therein lies the rub apparently.

Intelligence can also never be over-rated. I don't care if he has a degree or not. He can collect the garbage or perform brain surgery, but if he can't hold his own in a conversation, no deal. Liking to argue (in a good natured way) would also be helpful, making him less likely to get pissed when I try to pick a fun little debate just to spice things up. Push back when I give you a mental shove. Have hobbies, have opinions, be passionate about something. That's sexy as hell.

It would also be super cool if he "gets it." So few guys get it. I'm a complex creature (or would like to think that I am), so being gotten isn't a simple task. Personality similarities, shared interests, common ground—would these be so much to ask? Not all philosophies, values, politics need be the same, but mutual respect for those differences is required. Open-mindedness is a trait likely to work in his favor. Oh and no attempts to change me. Appreciation of me as I am is all-important.

Other various little wishes: A sense of humor, preferably sarcastic like me, please. I like a guy with a little athleticism (as long as this does not lead to camping). Creativity is a huge plus. Play something, make something, write something, and I'm in. Knowing the fine line between being confident and egotistical is essential. Good taste in music and movies. An acceptable fashion-sense or willingness to let me style him. Living in the same time zone would be nice, maybe even the same city? The desire to travel. Tolerant of my cat. Willing to try tofu, just once. Little or no discussion of or watching sports together. Lover of coffee. Someone who enjoys going out. Someone my friends don't hate. Someone who does not want to meet my family for a good long while. Someone I'm as into as he is into me.

And there you have it, universe. What can you do for me?

**Aside to readers: this is not your cue to check your contacts list for potential set-ups. We'll leave this one to chance!

02/04/07