Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Goodbye 2006

The holidays are almost over (thank god); just New Year's Eve to go and then buh-bye old year, hello 2007. A clean slate. One more chance to do things right. Or if you like, to do things the same old way. I've been thinking a lot about "the same old way" tonight. I was lying on the floor in Corpse pose (the relaxation at the end of practice, for you non-yoga practitioners) unexplicably feeling a little sad. Actually it's not so unexplicable, rather I'm going to stop short of diary-esque details (kills you doesn't it?)... And while I was lying there on the floor feeling a little mopey, I had the strangest sense of deja vu. It occurred to me that I was feeling very much the same way as last year about this time. Caught in transition. Wanting things I couldn't have. Taking the things I did have for granted.

I was so determined that 2006 would symbolize great changes in my life. I quit one job and got another one. I tried the vegetarian thing. I moved into a new apartment without a roommate (unless you count Karma). I finally dated a bit (with dubious success). I resolved to exercise more. I made new friends. I got closer to some old ones. I attempted to become a better person in a variety of ways (also with dubious success). I repeated my mantra: Let. It. Go.
But the more things have changed, the more, deep down, things have stayed the same. There are also annoying people at my new job, and sometimes I'm bored out of my mind there too (thus all the surveys). Sometimes I crave a burger like nobody's business. I miss having a human roommate to bitch at for being too messy. I still have yet to meet anyone who makes my knees weak or my heart beat the way it did when I was 23. I stopped working out (but started again). Sometimes I'm more anti-social than outgoing with new people. I've been terrible about keeping in touch with some of those beloved old friends. And in any number of ways that I've tried to transcend the "self," at heart, I'm usually selfishly looking out for me and what I think will make me happy. And when it comes right down to it, there are some things I just don't want to let go of. I look at the past and still wish I could rewrite a prettier, fairytale ending for it and call it a life lived. So maybe I didn't change that much after all. I can't decide if that's a horrible thing, or an okay thing, or something in between.

So I'm not going to create any expectations for 2007. Call it copping out. Call it embracing mystery. I'm going to stop screaming for more or different and take what comes my way. I'm just going to go with it for once. Wish me luck.


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